


Fear Itself

by EvieMcGarrett10



Category: Hit the Floor (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-05-26 12:42:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6239824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvieMcGarrett10/pseuds/EvieMcGarrett10
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because you might not like what you see. . .</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fear Itself

**Author's Note:**

> Hi All, 
> 
> Okay, so there are 2 reasons why I decided to write this fic:
> 
> 1\. Because. . .love  
> 2\. #thecouplethatragestogether
> 
> Enjoy!

It was truly the first real fight they have had since they had gotten together. And an epic one at that. Jude smirked from the memory of it because it seemed that when it came to him and Zero, subtle wasn’t really their thing.   
  
_“Jude would you just drop it for fucks sake!”_  
  
_“Why should I? This is your life Gideon! This is who you are and where you come from!”_  
  
_“Don't you dare use my name like that!”_  
  
_“Like what?”_  
  
_“As part of some sort of manipulative scheme!”_  
  
_“You think I'm trying to play you? That this is some sort of game? I love you and I want all of you or nothing at all!”_  
  
_Zero turned his back and headed for the door._  
  
_“Oh no you don't! You don't get to walk away from this.”_  
  
_“I'm not sticking around if you keep insisting on this. I don't want to find her and I sure as hell don't want you to.”_  
  
_“I'm not Leo and Carol,” Jude said quietly._  
  
_Zero stopped, halfway out the door._  
  
_“What did you say?”_  
  
_“I'm not Leo and Carol. You disappear for even a few hours and I'll move heaven and earth to find you. Someone hurts you and I’ll make sure they live to regret it. They may have called you Zero and you may have kept the name, but you're anything but a zero to me.”_  
  
_Zero brought himself back into the apartment and slowly closed the door._  
  
_“Why are you doing this Jude?”Zero said whispered._  
  
_“Because I love you. You don't get to hide yourself from me and expect me to be okay with it.”_  
  
_“Have you ever thought how it would make me feel? How it would make Laura feel? She has had just as many chances to come looking for me and she hasn't. Maybe it's better to leave well enough alone.”_  
  
_“All I think about is you and you don't know that. How can you possibly know that?”_  
  
_Zero looked Jude in the eye. What Jude saw in them broke his heart._  
  
_“You feel guilty, don't you?”_  
  
_Zero looked away and if Jude didn't know any better, he thought he saw a tear roll down Zero's cheek._  
  
_“When we got separated, I was the one who left first. She stayed behind.”_  
  
_Jude moved closer to Zero, but noticed how he stiffened at his approach. Such a difference from the emotional physical contact they had shared just an hour ago in the ruins of Zero's old house._  
  
_“Remember when you said that you couldn't imagine me as an afterthought? That you think about me first all the time?”_  
  
_Zero looked at him._  
  
_“There is nothing that I wouldn't tell you. Nothing that I have to be dishonest about. You're always on my mind too and that is why I am doing this. You feel guilty about what happened all those years ago, but don't you think it's better to make peace with it instead of just bottling it all up?”_  
  
_“It's the only way I know how to live Jude. Everything I have is because I have been able to keep myself in check, okay. You can't change the habit of a lifetime overnight.”_  
  
_“So, loving me? Are you holding back with that, too?”_  
  
_“No, of course not!”_  
  
_“Then why control the rest of your emotions?”_  
  
_“Because when it comes to you, I have no power!” Zero shouted with such ferocity that Jude idly wondered if the neighbors would complain._  
  
_Zero's frustration was evident from the set of his jaw and shoulders, to his defensive stance._  
  
_“You push too much Jude. You push me too far and I let you. I let you have your way with me and that is something no one has ever been able to do. Not even Jelena.”_  
  
_Jude wondered why he was so surprised at this. What Zero was saying was true. No one got that close to Zero if he didn't want them too._  
  
_“You're afraid that giving me that much power over you will make you less of a man? Make you someone you're not?”_  
  
_“No.”_  
  
_Jude waited for Zero to elaborate, but he didn't. When Jude opened his mouth to say something, Zero raised a hand to stop him._  
  
_“Don't. There is nothing left to say.” The way he said that made Jude stay rooted where he stood._  
  
_As Zero walked out and closed the door, Jude thought, “What the hell just happened?”_  
  
  
That had been a week ago. Zero had been staying at his own place and hadn’t talked to Jude since that night. They would see each other at the arena and give each other a nod, but nothing more than that. Jude missed him every minute of the day, but he couldn't figure out how to make it all better. There was something he was missing, something in what Zero had told him that night that he was supposed to get, but couldn't.   
  
“If you two don't cut the crap right now, I will personally make sure you two suffer for something, got it!” Lionel shouted at Jude in his office.  
  
Jude was startled out of his reverie and said, “Geez Lionel, you scared the shit out of me!”  
  
“Well, what will it be? Suffer or make nice with Zero?”  
  
“It's a lot more complicated than that.”  
  
“Love always is and yet love isn't complicated. People make it that way.”   
  
“Ha! Yeah keep telling that to the ones who suffer for love and see what happens.”  
  
“I thought I was?”   
  
“Look, Zero and I have our work cut out for us. Neither of us has been in an actual relationship, so we're navigating this without any sort of road map. It's going to take some work.”   
  
“That's funny because I don't see you doing any work at all. Unless you call moping around the arena working out your issues?”   
  
“That bad huh?”  
  
“I hear some of the players say that Zero's misery wants to make them jump off a bridge it's so damn palpable. This team cannot have its players off themselves for someone else's behavior, Jude. It's not like their cheap and you can get more at the corner market.”

Jude knew that Lionel was trying to make a joke with an underlining of seriousness, but Jude was at a loss.   
  
“He once told me he always thought of me first, but I can't help but think that he is putting himself first sometimes when it comes to issues involving me.”   
  
Lionel stared long and hard at him, long enough to make Jude squirm in his seat.   
  
“Maybe he still is putting you first. Maybe what you perceive as selfishness is in fact him being selfless. Certain things can look bad and yet be a blessing in disguise.”   
  
“Wow. That's deep even for you.”   
  
“Haha, very funny. Advice I can dish out. Following it? Not so much even when it's my own.”  
  
Jude chuckled at that.   
  
“Look, all I am saying is that Zero has layers. Everyone does. All you have to do is try to look at things from his perspective. You are looking at this from your own and you need to stop because it won't get you anywhere. Zero loves you, at least he better.”   
  
Jude got suspicious with that last part, but set it aside.   
  
Instead he sighed and said, “Okay. I'll go about this differently even though god knows I've tried.”  
  
“Just do it. I know you two sneaked off somewhere a couple of weeks back so I know that whatever trouble you have starts from where you went to that day. Figure your shit out, Jude, or I'll do it for you and it won't be pretty.”  
  
Jude laughed at that in earnest and walked around his desk to hug her. “You're something else you know that?”   
  
“Wouldn't want to be like everyone else now would I?”  
  
“True.”   
  
“Now get out of here. You do your work just fine despite your troubles in paradise, but the pathos in this place with you around is suffocating.”   
  
“Okay, okay, geez I'm leaving.” And with that, Jude made his way to the parking lot, got in his car and drove. Destination already in mind. 

 

*********************************************************

Jude made his way to Zero's childhood home. It wasn't a long trip, so he was able to get there relatively quickly. As he parked, he noticed that the house was still intact. Making his way inside, he walked through Zero's destruction with the sledgehammer. It was funny that Zero was the one who did all this and yet Jude was the one who pushed his lover over the edge to make such a mess.

Jude had no regrets about what he did, but he did feel awful about what happened after once they had left this place. The reason he was here was just as Lionel said: this is where his current problems with Zero had begun. He tried to remember every single word they had exchanged and possible meanings behind them besides the obvious.

He stood in front of the couch and imagined Zero, his face, his voice. . . _Because you might not like what you see. . ._

Jude opened his eyes, “He's afraid I'll leave.”

Funny how so many things slip by you on a daily basis because what they mean to you is based on what you currently feel and believe. You never base your decisions on what the others are trying to tell you, only on how they make you feel.

Jude ran outside to his car. Ran from a past so painful, it nearly destroyed what he had with Zero.

_No, with Gideon._

 

*******************************************************

 

Jude called Zero and got sent straight to voice-mail. He tried again and left a message. When he arrived at his apartment to change so he could track his boyfriend down, the sight he was greeted with in his bedroom nearly brought him to tears.

Zero was curled up in a ball with a blanket thrown over him, sleeping soundly. His cell phone was on the nightstand, but Jude would bet it was turned off. To say Jude was relieved would be an understatement. He really should leave Zero to sleep, but he couldn't help but make his way over to him, sleeping on his side of the bed no less, and run his fingers through his boyfriend's hair. He remained sound asleep, but after a few minutes, Zero began to stir.

When he opened his eyes, Jude gave him a small smile and said, “Hey.”

“Hey. I was waiting for you, but I feel asleep.”

“It's okay. I was calling you and you didn't answer.”

As Zero got into a sitting position he said, “My phone is turned off. My sponsors are calling me nonstop and I didn't want to deal with them today.

“You hungry?”

“Not really. Where were you?”

“Figuring my shit out.”

“Okay.”

Jude smiled and laughed a little.

“Lionel says I have to make nice with you since we are making everyone around us so miserable.”

Zero chuckled. “Yeah, I guess it hasn't been the best time for any of us.”

“I went to the house,” Jude said softly and guessed that he didn't need to explain which house since Zero immediately stiffened.

“What for?”

“Before you left that night you said some things that I have been trying to figure out. I couldn't so, I went back there.” Jude noticed that Zero was clutching his hand so tight, as if Zero was holding on for dear life.

“Did you?”

“Yeah. I did.” After a few beats, Jude continued, “You're afraid.” Zero turned his head away at that.

“You're afraid that if I push too far and see who really are, you will not be good enough no matter what I say or do to prove to you otherwise that I won’t leave you.”

Zero let go of his hand as he said, “The world can turn its back on me and I would find a way to survive. I always have. If you walked away, I wouldn't be able to stand it, but even worse than that would be knowing that I hurt you. I can deal with pain. I don't know if I could deal with yours too.”

“I don't think you are capable of being that cruel.”

“I could be.”

“Not with me. You love me and everything you have done so far proves it. You could have hurt me dozens of times already but you haven't.”

“Yes I have. When I said I couldn't give you what you wanted from me and when I made you believe that you were still my secret.”

“None of that was intentional.”

“But it still hurt you.”

Jude was silent. “What's love without a little pain?”

“Not when it's yours.”

Jude felt like Zero was going to say more and he was not wrong. “It was never about how much power you had over me because I gave it to you freely. I've never had a problem with who I was before you. Then you kissed me and everything changed. Suddenly I was afraid of what you thought of me. You fell in love with Zero. You knowing who Gideon was, after suppressing him for so long, terrified me. You don't deserve a man who is broken. You deserve someone who can be strong for you.”

“You think that's what I want? That I need to be protected from you all the time? I may have been attracted to Zero, but it was Gideon who I fell for.”

Zero's wide eye stare spoke volumes.

“Look, I get that you have a past that is not so pretty. That there are parts of you that are dark, but what kind of man would I be if I rejected all that?”

Zero remained silent, as if unsure of what to believe.

“Dammit Zero, are you trying to make me hate you?!”

“What the hell do you want from me Jude? I tell you I love you, I kiss you in public and now we are out. I am trying to make a go at a real relationship with you and yet you don’t back off of me!”

“I push because I don’t want half assed anything from you. You insist on protecting me and making decisions on what I can and cannot handle. Do me favor and stop acting like you know what’s best me. You clearly don’t!” In his fury, Jude punched the wall. He didn’t even feel the pain.

“Jesus, Jude!” Zero made his way over to him and inspected his knuckles. A few drops of blood here and there, but he would live.

“You can rage all you want. You can hide and lie to yourself and me about who you are, but that will never be enough for me to leave you. I will stick by your side no matter what you throw at me. I am not afraid of you Gideon. I am in love with you. I love you for who you are and the man you can be.”

Zero had stopped fussing over his hand and said, “It’s not easy for me to admit that I am afraid. Especially of losing you.”

“I don’t want easy. I want what’s real. And if what’s real is hard and ugly, tragic and maybe hopeless, then so be it.”

Zero kissed him then.

“Prove it and make love to me, stupid,” Zero said so softly, Jude almost missed it completely.

“I will as soon as you promise not to hide from me anymore. You say you don’t want to hurt me, but you will end up doing so anyway if you alienate me like that,” Jude responded.

“I promise,” Zero answered honestly and the warm feeling coursing through Jude was enough to last a lifetime. “I’ve missed you, so take me to bed you lazy bitch.”

Jude laughed and proceeded to prove to Zero that he meant what he said. More than once.

 

*************************************************

 

Lionel had called Jude four times and Zero twice. Neither of them answered their phones.

One of Pete’s assistant coaches had been looking for Zero since practice was in half an hour. It looked like they had been trying to reach Jude as well to see if he knew what was up, but Lionel decided to keep quiet. She had her suspicions, but she would be damned if she let anyone interrupt them.

Besides, everyone would find out soon enough where they had been whenever both Jude and Zero decided to come back to work. There is only so much you can do to hide a smile as wide as the sun was bright.


End file.
